One Wherein the Author Is Uncharacteristically Enthusiastic

If you know me, you're aware that my body is of prodigious vertical scale, while barely registering in the other two perceptible physical dimensions (width and depth). Because of this I find it really perniciously difficult to find clothing that fits, and I usually - well, really almost exclusively - have to buy clothing from catalogs and the internet. The reason for this is that if I go to a clothing store, the clothes there are for people who have arms and legs of lengths that are of a relatively conservative ratio to their body size; I, however, have a relatively aggressive ratio in that respect, and because of that, I can only pretend that regular-people clothes fit me (some of you may have seen my "sleeves-rolled-up" trick). In other words, my legs are longer than the circumference of my waist, and my arms are just about as long as the circumference of my chest: take that, fat America.
I've tried to shop at the "big and tall" stores in my area; yet those efforts are in vain, as there is one grammatical quirk that always kills me: "and." It's always clothing for the big "AND" tall. Meaning, that in the mind of most clothing manufacturers, most tall people are also "big." Again, if you know me, you are certainly aware that this is not the case by any means (my body type is usually characterized as "pole"). I mean, if there was something called a "big OR tall" store, not only would I buy my clothing there, I'd probably buy stock in the company too.
Anyway, to the end of clothing myself in garments de rigueur, I've found that the clothing store Eddie Bauer really quite consistently carries clothing that is designed specifically for people whose usual garb contains an accelerated amount of cloth. I mean, when was the last time you saw a pair of pants in a store that had a 33 waist and a 36 inseam? Never, you liar. Anyway, I stumbled across one of their catalogs back when I was in high school, and I would say that since then, with the exception of underclothes (socks, underpants, t-shirts) at least 75 percent of my clothes come from EB. There are two reasons for this.
One reason is the aforementioned physical necessity, in that they actually sell clothes for tall people. The second reason is that since as far back as I can remember, the customer service at EB, no matter where I shop, has been uniformly exemplary. Back when they had a retail store in a mall near me, I would shop there almost exclusively. After that store closed, an outlet store opened in another mall farther away, and I went to that one. I've shopped on their website and in their catalogs. I have always had a great experience with these people and as far as I am concerned I will be a customer for life.
Allow me to present two examples.
Once, a few years ago, I bought a sweater from EB. It was a really nice sweater, with reinforced stitching around the neck so it wouldn't get stretched out when I was fitting it over my colossal melon. This was a great sweater, and I wore it several times before I had to wash it. It went through the wash and dry cycle, and by the time it came out, it had shrunk to the point where not only could I not wear it, I had trouble seeing it. Anyway, I called up the customer service number as I was hoping that I might be able to get another one. I straight-up told the woman who answered the phone what I had done, and made no bones that it was my fault. At this point I was prepared to actually just buy another one, but the woman offered to send a replacement, and all I'd need to do was pay shipping. BANG, it was that easy.
The second instance I want to relate to you happened just today. I went to the aforementioned outlet store because I haven't bought clothes since 2006 and some of my more oft-worn vestments are starting to get a little ragged on the edges. Anyway, since I am obviously signed up for their e-mail list, I got the early word that there was going to be a sale for their catalog and internet items, many clothes being up to 60 percent off. Sweet. Perfect timing. Ok. EB has this neat thing where if you call their ordering line from any retail or outlet location, you get free shipping, which is genius anyway, so I figured I'd head over to the outlet and get that taken care of today.
So, being the uber-prepared former boy-scout, I went online and made a list of stuff that I wanted from their clearance items. Unfortunately (and this is something lacking in their program), the item numbers for online items are nowhere to be found. If you look in the catalog they're there, but not on the website, which is crazy. Anyway, I wrote down the exact listing of each item's headline description and brought the list over to the now twice-aforementioned store, and got on the phone. The woman on the other end was extraordinarily helpful, polite almost to a fault, and showed patience that not even certain Tibetan monks could have displayed. The thing is that without the item numbers, I couldn't order something on the phone, and because of that, I was actually woefully unprepared. However, the woman who helped me (I regret that I did not catch her name) sat there with me, and as I fed her the descriptions, she looked up in her own corporate catalog the items I wanted. This took approximately forty minutes (I had a long list). It was an amazing experience and, while I wouldn't want to repeat it, it was almost a pleasant way to pass a portion of the afternoon.
Anyway, it turns out that I got a great deal. If I had bought the clothes I wanted two weeks ago, I would have spent something like $440 and paid shipping and tax on top of that. Today, I was able to get those same clothes, in the appropriate tall sizes, for $217 including tax and free shipping. That is less than half, mofo.
So, as I said, I have had literally nothing but outstanding service at Eddie Bauer and I encourage you, in your clothing need, to check them out.

Comments

[Melissa Stafford]

you were totally flirting with this woman. guaranteed.